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Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder using Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing.

(This review contains no identifying information).

Dear Leisa,

I honestly don’t know where to start.

I was in a dark, lonely, angry and unloved state when I asked my GP for help. I was referred to you and what a difference a year has made.

My life was a mess in my eyes and mind, angry doesn’t seem a strong enough word to describe my rage, I was short tempered and depressed.

Stuck in a place I couldn’t see a way out of….my mind….my thoughts…my broken heart.

With you listening I poured my feelings, thoughts and memories out…. oh those horrible memories!!!!, you listened with an open, unjudgmental mind and spoke in a caring manner. I felt we jelled, I’d had counselling before, for over a year and got nowhere at all, I’d even had sexual assault counselling but the nightmares, triggers, smells where all still there, eating away at me, breaking me down piece by piece, memory by memory. But this time I was completely broken, I felt there was no way I’d ever be able to feel safe, loved, supported or cared for again. Not by my family anyhow, my partner & friends always had my back and tried best they could, but they knew it was all beyond them.

I felt so guilty – guilty for not being supportive of certain people in my life, guilty for not caring, not being there for them as I always had been before, BUT they broke me, broke me into little, tiny pieces, a shadow of the strong capable person I was.

After many, many years of child abuse, sexual assault and me just wanting to be loved, even by my parents, noticed by them, I began a 16 yr. relationship that was full of control, lies and guilt, made to feel loved by being controlled. The first 30 yrs of my life a horrible mess, full of painful memories. Then it has all come crashing down on me, not my choice or choosing of timing, but through people that I thought loved me, they betrayed me and opened my personal horror movie, opened it for all to see. I couldn’t hold the anger or the pain anymore.

In came you Leisa, with a new way of treating PTSD. It all sounded wishy washy that I couldn’t understand how it would work, how it could work. But I listened and read up on it and although I was still unsure, I WANTED to be better, to care and to love myself again, so I trusted you and your knowledge and began EMDR.

I don’t know how it works really, but by being in a safe place, support, gentleness and knowing I had full control to stop anytime I wanted, I began. My first session of EMDR was hard, tough, raw, emotional, stressful and hurtful, all the things I tried to forget about the assaults and abuse I was reliving it all and even though I couldn’t (still can’t) verbalise certain aspects of the abuse/assault, Leisa - you guided me through it, tears rolling down my face, panicking breathes, heart pumping, fists clinched…..then CALMNESS, my breathing eased, hands relaxed and the tears stopped flowing. I am worth it, I do care, it wasn’t my fault, I WAS JUST AN INNOCENT CHILD. Together we unpacked it all and I still don’t know how, but when I think of it now, I’m okay, 50 YEARS OF PAIN FINALLY LAID TO REST! After several sessions I can honestly say I am so grateful and glad my GP referred me to you Leisa. 12 months on I am such a different person, I have finally realised it’s okay to care about myself, put myself & my partner first, stop pleasing everyone else at my own happiness and expense. I’m so strong now, I’m not broken, yes, I have bad days still, but I know it’s okay to feel angry and sad. But being happy from within is an awesome feeling. I now have a job I love, caring people in my life, supportive friends, and the love and understanding (which I always had) of my partner. PTSD, depression and anger was not only affecting me, but it also affects the people around me, my loved ones, my most precious friends.

I would encourage anyone to seek help if your struggling, there’s no shame and although it's tough, boy its worth it.

My memories still hurt me at times, but I am a new stronger version of myself, I’m okay, happy, loved and I’m IMPORTANT. I’ll never be ashamed of getting help, no-one ever should, I’m proud of myself for reaching out for help. Thank You Leisa, Thanks to all the Leisa’s out there that help our broken minds and help heal our hearts.

I am and will be forever grateful.

XX